It must be a challenge indeed; being that ambitious but also so indifferent; to dream of having a powerful impact on the world and to want nothing to do with the world at the same time; to want to be the center of the universe and to wish to be left alone and forgotten. It must be hard to live when you are a martyr in a battle between what you are in your life and what you are in your head.
So, you want to be that famous star, the one that if batted an eye the world stops spinning, yet you wish to remain hidden under your blanket in your bedroom and lie there until you cease to exist. How can one person live with two different, extremely opposite, views on the world, two different versions of one life? How can you be two people in one body?
I mean it is already hard for most of us to get by just by being ourselves, that one version that we are. So, how can you survive when there are two people with two different pasts, two different futures, two different personalities, two different paths fighting against each other, each trying to win to take over that one body?
Which one goes to bed at night and which of them remains awake? You tell me you wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts that refuse to be silenced, because one of them is demanding the attention of your body while the other was taking you on a bad dream that resembled your reality.
So, the ‘you’ in your head tries to win you over by rescuing you from the ‘you’ in your bed.
But what happens when they are both awake? The ‘you’ in your bed tries to pull you to think of what is going to happen years from now, “are you still going to be lying here waiting for death or will you be too desperate to have a life by then? Will you have the opportunity to start over or will it be too late? Should you maybe start on it now?”
And that’s when the ‘you’ in your head steps in and takes the lead, telling you, “you don’t need to do anything now, because you already are everything anyone could ever dream to be. You have achieved everything that is there to achieve and won every honor and award that is there to win. You did it all, you had your cake now, and it’s time for you to rest and enjoy your glory. You’ve earned it.”
And in the amidst of all of it, someone walks in on you to shake that fragile line between the world you live in and the world they live in, to bring you back on whichever planet they are on, and it might take you a moment to grasp which one of them is you in that particular moment.
At times you would succeed at picking the right one for the right situation, other times you would not, and that is when your mind takes the easy way by putting you on the “autopilot” state where you don’t really have to decide between the two, and you let them decide that for you.
But let me tell you this: There will come a day when “autopilot” will become your default state. A time where they will take over and you will no longer have a say in the matter. You will be nothing but the vessel that contains them so they can coexist. Like parasites, they will survive at your own expense, breathe through your lungs, look through your eyes, listen through your ears, speak through your lips; it will be them not you, not then, not anymore.